For many years I have battled with alcohol.  If it wasn't for the strength and tolerance of my dear husband, my family and friends, I probably wouldn't have survived.  But I did.  I had my last drink on November 6, 2004 (along with my last cigarette) and I then decided to put my experience into writing. 

To understand Pumpkinhead, I will briefly explain my 'bus' theory. 

We all have many different personalities co-existing inside of us and one of these personalities (persons for short and no, I'm not crazy) is in temporary control of the bus (our life).  The others are in the passenger seats:  some willingly and some not so willingly.  It is when the unwilling begin to fight for control that inner conflict arises.

For instance, you may have a certain personality we'll call the Domestic Goddess or The Little Woman who gets a great kick out of having the house spick and span, the evening meal painstakingly prepared and presented and all the ironing done like a professional.  On the other hand, you have the 'kick back and relax, it's your day off' personality, who I call Lazyboy.  If both of these wants to drive the bus, you are going to experience either resentment at having to do the housework, which isn't appreciated anyway and you've spent your whole day off slaving away for what? Or alternatively you will have extreme feelings of guilt because you spent the whole day on the lounge and did nothing but eat and watch tv.  You also feel a little defensive when Lazyboy is driving because "it's your right to have time to relax and unwind after work and who are you to make me feel guilty" and so on and so on.  You get the picture? 

Of course, I never lose sight of the 'Conscious Self' which is ultimately all of me and naturally, I have the final say and the buck stops with me but I love to keep my personalities and defer to them when life's little challenges become too much.  To this end, I have named them collectively as "The Board" and developed and image in my mind of an office complete with a beautiful boardroom table big enough for everyone.

I have named many of my personalities and each has their own little story.  You will meet them briefly in the following tales of misadventure by the irrepresible Pumpkinhead and I hope at a future date to relate the stories of the others right here on this site. 

As a side note, on explaining my bus theory to my mother, she constructed her own emergency personality for study called 'The little man'.  He lives in a single padded room in her head and whenever she feels overwhelmed, she releases him from his straight-jacket and lets him run around screaming, pulling his hair out and generally taking on all the insanity for her.

Until then, I hope you enjoy 'The Adventures of Pumpkinhead'.

Pumpkinhead goes to Rehab

“The only problem with being the village idiot is that you don’t get to watch the person making a fool of themselves….you are the fool!”

I have spent years being the village idiot…too many to admit to and even more that are forgotten, lost forever in an alcoholic haze.  Suffice to say, those years are gone for better or for worse, mostly for worse.

I can’t remember if it was my husband or my brother who christened Pumpkinhead but whoever it was, the name stuck.  Whenever I drink, Pumpkinhead appears. Sometimes in the clever guise of a rational person: ‘I’m in control.  Just because I am relaxed enough to speak my mind and be honest with my feelings doesn’t mean I’m drunk!’   Hmmmmm?

Most of the time though, Pumpkinhead appeared brazenly and shamelessly, doing and saying things that I would never dream of doing or saying myself and then leaving me to pick up the pieces in the sober light of day.

My friends and family (God love ‘em) would patiently sit by and watch as rerun after rerun of the same tired old program would play out in front of their eyes. 

At best I was an amusing distraction but I have run the gauntlet of bad behaviours:  the dancing drunk, the jealous drunk, the loud and abusive drunk and the drunken fool.  There are, no doubt, many more that I haven’t mentioned and I don’t really want to analyse this any further.  Needless to say I, in the role of Pumpkinhead, have pushed the people I love (as well as complete strangers) beyond the limit of endurance and I have no excuse.

I’m sure a shrink could offer a rational explanation relating to the deep-rooted psychological disturbance within my subconscious but the truth is, when you mix alcohol with a rational person, Pumpkinhead cannot resist making an appearance.

Pumpkinhead first appeared when I was fifteen.  This was the first time I had ever had a drink and I became quite tipsy.  Apart from a slight headache the next morning, the evening was amusing to all, myself included, and I loved being the centre of attention.  (Is there a message here???)

Over time, Pumpkinhead became darker and more separate from my ‘conscious self’.  People began telling me (on an increasingly more regular basis I’m afraid) that it was like knowing two different people:  the thoughtful, caring, slightly dippy person who was funny and a pleasure to be around; and the rude, obnoxious, predatorial drunk that forced people to run for cover.

Apart from the obvious affects on my life: late nights, no money, permanent hangover, there was a butterfly effect overflowing into other areas.  My conscious self knew that I was out of control but I was unwilling to admit to either myself or others.  The inner conflict this was causing nearly crashed the bus as everyone was trying to take control at once.  And I don’t even want to think about the screaming matches around the boardroom table. 

I was also beginning to quickly tire of the ‘cringe’ factor every time I had to face the music or hear about the nightly escapades of Pumpkinhead.

Externally, my defensiveness turned into attack directed mainly at those that love and care for me the most.  The resounding theme in these verbal attacks was along the lines of ‘you never let me live my own life; you just want me to be a boring little wife/friend/sister/daughter and live the same boring kind of life you are living; you are suffocating me and stopping me from reaching my full potential’ and so on and so forth, you get the picture.

My husband became more reluctant to socialize with me, my friends spoke to me less and less and invitations to get-togethers were becoming few and far between.  I even went as far as blaming my husband, telling him he had become too settled into a ‘homebody’ lifestyle and that he was suffocating me.  I  accused my family (and his family) of being jealous because I was a ‘free spirit’ who had it ‘all together’ and I knew how to have fun.  I accused my friends of misunderstanding me and taking my actions the wrong way. Most of all, I was spending nearly all of my sober time defending and justifying the actions that I could remember and apologizing for the ones I couldn’t.

It wasn’t enough that I had cut my husband off from his own friends and family or that I nearly threw away my marriage, the best thing in my life.  It wasn’t enough that the eight year old son of a friend was too afraid to visit because ‘that drunk lady who scares me’ would be there.  No, ruining my life wasn’t enough; it took the fact that my brother and his fiancé were reluctant to include me in their wedding party because they couldn’t be sure that I would remain sober throughout the proceedings.  Sad, isn’t it? 

This is what it took to wake me up.  I finally met Pumpkinhead face-to-face in my mind’s eye and what I saw was not pretty.  In fact, what I saw was bordering on evil.  I called an emergency board meeting and all of my selves came to the table for discussion and decisions. 

As with the assassination of Lazy Boy (another story for another time), there needed to be a course of action that was agreed to by the majority and endeavoured to keep the best of Pumpkinhead while removing permanently the undesirable aspects of this self.  The biggest challenge for my conscious self was that I did not want to lose the fun side of Pumpkinhead.  I didn’t want to lose the uninhibited dancer or the spontaneous 'let's do it' girl.

There were others around the table who also had something to lose with the total banishment of Pumpkinhead.

The Ideasman and Gunnadoo were particularly vocal because when the three of them got together, things happened.  World poverty was eradicated, world peace became a reality and world-changing inventions came to life.  Not to mention the potential millions that the three of them could make!

I pointed out to both of them that the ‘larger than life’ schemes and plans that were developed with the input of Pumpkinhead nearly always ended either in the bin, banished to the recesses of Fantasyland, forgotten completely or laughed out of court in the sober light of day.  I also pointed out to The Ideasman and Gunnadoo that when the two of them got together with the Members of the Board, their dreams were given reasonable consideration.  The dreams conceived in sobriety were given proper consideration.  They were discussed, developed further if feasible, placed on the backburner for a future time when necessary or relegated to the realm of daydreams when deemed completely impossible ‘pipedreams’.

Unfortunately for Pumpkinhead, both The Ideasman and Gunnadoo admitted that there was more than a small amount of truth in this statement and withdrew their argument.  They did however want it noted that some of their best ideas were conceived in the company of Pumpkinhead and developed from the most outrageous plans into exciting realities.  The trip to Africa is a great example; there is no way we would have ventured into the Dark Continent for six months without the idea first being developed by all three of them.  The other selves nodded in agreement and noted that this ‘redeemable’ quality in Pumpkinhead needed to be taken into consideration.  Pumpkinhead gave a small sigh of relief.

The Inner Child then spoke in defence of Pumpkinhead.  She reminded us that it was Pumpkinhead who had found her quivering and crouching in one of the dark recesses of the mind.  Too afraid to show herself in this harsh and serious adult world, The Inner Child had remained hidden rather than ‘grow up’ as she had been told to do at the tender age of thirteen.  This was around the time when the family had fallen apart and we began to live the life of gypsies, constantly on the move and on the lookout for danger, perceived or otherwise and playing the role of ‘mother’ to younger siblings.

When Pumpkinhead came along, The Inner Child was given the opportunity to come out of hiding on occasions.  He gave her back her voice along with the courage to assert her right to drive the bus if the situation allowed for it.  In fact, without Pumpkinhead, The Inner Child would still be hiding in the corridors and running away from the world and haven’t we all had a little more fun since her return to the group?

Again, a murmur of assent when around the table; this was true after all, and even the stodgiest selves had to admit that life was a little less serious since the return of The Inner Child and damn it, what was wrong with that? 

Ever the antagonist, I had to point at the while Pumpkinhead had been responsible for finding The Inner Child and giving her courage to stand up and be heard, how long had it been since the two of the had ‘played’ together?  Hadn’t Pumpkinhead’s increasing aggressiveness and preditorial nature caused The Inner Child to seek refuge again when he was in full swing?  Wasn’t it also true that The Inner Child was now independent enough to come out and play on her own, jumping in the driver’s seat when the urge took her, even if only for a few minutes at a time?

As with Gunnadoo and The Ideasman, The Inner Child had to concede the truth in this argument but she insisted on it being noted that it was Pumpkinhead who had found her and encourage her to express herself again.  This surely had to have some redemption value?

The other selves agreed.

The Secretary and The Little Woman meanwhile had been deep in conversation and The Little Woman now spoke out on behalf of both of them.  “Let’s not forget the role Pumpkinhead played in giving Lazyboy free reign and almost ruining the body, we gained 20 kilos during the crazed rule of Lazyboy!”

There are nods of agreement all around the table.  Pumpkinhead’s ‘party hard’ attitude is all very well and good on the night but the next day is another story.  In the beginning, it was just a matter of coping with a slight hangover that wiped out the morning however, with increasing age comes an ever-increasing need for a longer recovery period.  We have progressed from minor hangover in the morning that we can quite easily work and play through to the current state of needing at least two full days of lying on the lounge doing nothing before we are able to continue on with our normal routine.  Life is far too short for spending every weekend on the lounge.  Lazyboy, being one of the strongest selves, has been more than happy to encourage this state of affairs.  Once he is in control of the bus we are laying on the lounge, watching DVDs and eating junk food before you can say ‘kamikaze kilojoules’.

We all agree that while this is a good thing to do every now and then, lay around and watch movies that is; spending every weekend in a stupor while Lazyboy drives the bus is no way to live and if we are not careful, he could easily take permanent control.

There is not a single self, except Lazyboy of course, who can find a positive argument to defend this aspect of Pumpkinhead’s behaviour. 

Pumpkinhead, who has been very quiet up until now, speaks out.  He defensively points out that we all agreed recently to the necessity of down time and that he was only helping to facilitate this activity. A good argument, but of course none of the selves is fooled and even Pumpkinhead knows that the kind of ‘downtime’ he creates is not the quality time we have discussed the need for.

Bubblehead, who is great friends with The Inner Child, voices my own concerns about losing the ‘Bohemian’ aspect of our personality.  What will happen to the carefree dancer, the spontaneous thrillseeker and the deep thinking philosopher?  All the selves agree that we don’t want to lose these and we also want to keep the big dreams, the light heart and the roller coaster ride that is life.

After some discussion, we agree that the carefree dancer usually falls over; the spontaneous thrillseeker lands us in some very dangerous and sticky situations, usually driving us there in a drunken stupor; and the deep thinking philosopher talks utter rubbish that no sober person would dream of repeating.

We also agree that in order to keep the big dreams, the light heart and the roller coaster ride, we need to learn how to tap into Pumpkinhead’s total lack of inhibition without the use of alcohol (or any other drugs).

After long discussion, we come up with a summary of the major points:

The Ideasman, Gunnadoo and The Inner Child are all confident and independent enough to continue developing at their own pace and acknowledge that they no longer need Pumpkinhead’s form of courage, guidance or advice.  They would, however, like to have the ability to access Pumpkinhead’s thoughts if it could be done without the aid of alcohol.

The Dancer, The Thrillseeker and The Philosopher  are valuable facets to our entire makeup and we need them.  I, my conscious self, decide to take over these aspects and develop them without the drink.   I promise to dance like no-one is watching, leap without a net every now and then, and spend quiet moments in deep contemplation.  I realize that this is going to take a lot of courage and commitment but I am up to the task.  After all, I’ve yet to meet the challenge that I have not been able to overcome.

Even though Pumpkinhead has promised in the past to drink in moderation, he has proven again and again that he is incapable of this.  In fact, the biggest problem is that Pumpkinhead is incapable of doing anything in moderation which is how we got into this mess in the first place!

We vote almost unanimously, Lazyboy being the exception, that the best course of action is to commit Pumpkinhead to a rehabilitation centre on a permanent basis.  This way, he will still be available for consultation and reminiscing without causing any further problems.  As a token of understanding and empathy, the selves also agree to give up smoking and thereby giving us all the opportunity to share in the battle to beat addiction.

Motion passed, action taken and meeting adjourned.